I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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