captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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