Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
