Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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