I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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