if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
