Christians are straight up FREAKS
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
