Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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