I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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