the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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