Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
