why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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