the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I have fence marks all over my body
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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