My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
