dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
40s are totally the cure
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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