I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
