Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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