Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
