Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
