I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
