Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
where are my eyebrows?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
