One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
