I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
