i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
