i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
