Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
