Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
