Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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