i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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