dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
