When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
