my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I will be naked everywhere
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize