from now on my penis is your penis
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
