I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
