Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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