I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
