question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
