This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
