And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
