if i can run in heels then i can drive
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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