I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize