I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
