hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
