I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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