im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
