best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
