The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
