So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
