Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
