Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
