woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize