Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
