It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
