It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
