Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
