dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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