If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
