When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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