I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
