You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
